What to Do When Your Child Refuses to Go to School: Supporting Kids with School Anxiety

Have you been struggling to get your child to school or keep them there for the entire school day? Read on to learn how to recognize signs of school-related anxiety and how to help your child feel confident attending school each day.

---

There are days when kids just don't want to go to school. And hey--who hasn't been there?Don't we all daydream about missing a day of work here and there? Occasionally, missing school, heading in late, or coming home early is totally ok. However, when you find that getting your child to school turns into a daily battle OR you're getting calls most days of the week to pick your child up early OR your child's absences start to rack up and/or develop a pattern ... it's time to acknowledge that something is amiss. Here are some signs that anxiety might be playing a role:

• Your child becomes tearful and panicky on school mornings

• Your child has difficulty getting to sleep or staying asleep on weeknights

• Your child is irritable and angry before school--sometimes having tantrums

• You child has physical symptoms, like headaches, stomachaches, dizziness, nausea, and/or vomiting on school days, but not typically on the weekends

The Fix

Go to School: It's simple but very true: your child has to go to school. We know from psychological science that avoiding things that worry us, unfortunately, only gives that worry more power over us. The more days that your child misses, or days that they go in late/come home early, will only make the return to consistently attending school that much more challenging.

Although there can be unique exceptions, it is extremely rare that transitioning to at-home or virtual school is the right move for a child with anxiety. Rather, the best solution is to develop a plan, in collaboration with your child and their school, that helps your child gain the confidence they need to successfully attend in-person school daily.

Talk to Your Child. It is important to try to understand your child's perspective on what goes well for them at school and what is hard for them. This information will help you figure out how to best support them. One science-approved approach parents can use is called reflective listening, a style of communication characterized by validating children's experiences and using open-ended questions.

Your child might share that they don't like being away from you, feel overwhelmed by school work, are having some difficulty with peers, or are experiencing other specific challenges. If your kids gives you the "why" of their anxiety--great, try to problem solve with them.

It's also possible that your child will not know how, or isn't ready, to articulate what is causing their school stress. That's ok. Developing a coping plan in collaboration with your child and the school will still be the best route to help support their school confidence and engagement.

Talk to The School. Your child's teacher(s), school administrators, and other staff (like social workers and counselors) all have experience working with children who have school-related anxiety. They are your most valuable allies. The specifics of successful get-to-school plans will vary based on your child's needs. Generally, it works best to start with more support ... and reduce support as your child gains confidence and success attending school consistently. Examples of school support:

• A teacher goes out to your car at drop-off to walk your child into school.

• Your child gets assigned a friendly peer "buddy" that helps support their transition to school and/or spends time with them at lunch/recess.

• Your child is able to keep a Coping Toolbox in their classroom that includes fidgets/toys/activities that help to shift focus away from anxiety.

• Your child is able to go to the front office to use some of their coping strategies for the first 15 minutes of the school day before heading to class.

• Note: there are many more ways that school-based accommodations can be helpful! The most important ingredient to a successful school plan is that it is tailored to the needs of your kiddo!

Other Things to Keep in Mind

Parents, Stay Calm! I know what those mornings are like. Every minute that your child is begging to stay home ... you are one minute closer to being late to work OR getting another call from the school about your child's absence OR your other kiddo being late to school ... it makes sense that you might be feeling worry, frustration, annoyance, helplessness. However, it is really important that you try your best to remain calm. Your distress will only serve to increase your child's distress.

Help Your Child Learn How to Feel Calm and Secure: Learn a breathing technique or find an app that will support your child's ability to feel calm. Build this skill into your child's routine, meaning that they use this skill: 1) at night before bed; 2) either before getting on the school bus OR on the way to drop-off; and 3) during the school day to feel calm and secure.

Optimize Bedtime Routines. Having a solid nighttime routine helps kids to reduce worries around bedtime, fall asleep quicker, and have more restful and restorative nighttime sleep. Depending on your child's age, routines may include getting their backpack or lunch ready for the next day, bathing, brushing teeth, story time, having a consistent bedtime, etc. Learn more how much sleep your child should be getting AND how to improve sleep.

Optimize Morning Routines. Make sure your child has a consistent wake time that doesn't vary by more than an hour on weekends. Select a wake time that gives them plenty of time to get ready for the day. Make sure your child has breakfast. Have school items (e.g., backpacks, water bottles, lunch) ready the night before so that no one has to rush around in the morning.

Finally, please know that it's ok to reach out for support. Some kids and families will benefit from extra support from a child development expert to create plans that work. When you're ready, reach out. I'll have your family's back every step of the way.