Learn specific approaches that will support your child's ability to share and reflect on their personal thoughts, feelings, and reactions to the Oxford tragedy.
When we experience a community-level trauma, like the school shooting that took place in Oxford, reverberations are felt by families across the country. Kids, especially those living in Metro Detroit, have been through so much this past week. In addition to the tragedy of the school shooting, dozens of schools in Michigan have closed or have experienced hours-long lockdowns at school after receiving copycat threats of violence. Teens have been flooded with social media content detailing the events of the tragedy and spreading new threats of school violence. Kids have been doing their best to manage their own reactions while also trying to be supportive to their friends. It has been a lot.
What are normal reactions to expect from your teen?
Your child may experience a range of emotions--fear, sadness, anger, among others. At times, they might be so overwhelmed that it's hard for them to pinpoint exactly what they are feeling. They might have some trepidation about attending school. They might want to spend more time with you or text you more often throughout the day. Other kids might experience a disconnect from emotion, and describe a sense of being numb, like they are not feeling much of anything at all. While other kids might not notice much of a shift from how they typically feel. All of these reactions are ok.
It is important to check in with your child to see how they are doing. One helpful way to do this is through reflective listening, an approach that encourages kids to reflect and openly share their thoughts and feelings. Beyond processing the Oxford tragedy, building reflective listening into your relationship with your teen will help support your emotional connectedness and make it more likely that they'll come to you with their challenges in the future.
How-tos of Reflective Listening
Stick with open-ended questions
When we ask a Y/N question, it pulls for a one-word response. For example, if you ask "did you do your homework?" the response has to be either yes or no. Y/N questions aren't exactly the most effective way to get a conversation rolling. Positively, open-ended questions allow kids to reflect and relay the information that is most important to them.
I was wondering what things have been like for you over the past few days?
Some kids have been feeling sad or have experienced some other hard emotions. What kinds of feelings have come up for you?
I'm curious--what have been some of the thoughts running through your head about the shooting?
What have been some of the hardest parts for you?
What has been helping you and your friends get through?
Acknowledge and Validate
It is helpful to acknowledge and validate your child's responses. Validating their response doesn't mean that you agree with it--you're simply acknowledging that their experience is real. It can also be helpful to share your own thoughts and feelings (up to a certain point).
"You've been really worried about your friends."
"You've been handling things well but sometimes seeing posts on social media about the kids who died makes you feel helpless."
"I have felt deeply saddened, too" [appropriate parent disclosure]
"I'm with you, I've been thinking about that, too" [appropriate parent disclosure]
*Up to a Certain Point. Sharing your own thoughts/feelings can help teens connect with your authenticity. However, monitor how much you're disclosing. If what you share could add to your child's distress or take the focus away from them, reign it in, and use open-ended questions to tilt the conversation back toward your child's experiences.
Be Present
Set your phone aside, turn off the tv, put away your laptop. Being present during reflective listening sends a strong message to your child that what they're sharing matters. Your child might ask you questions. If you know the answer--try to respond to the best of your ability. It's also ok to be honest when you're not sure.
Bringing the Conversation to a Close
This type of reflective conversation doesn't need to be long--though some kids might have a lot on their minds. Toward the end of the conversation, it is often helpful to thank your child for talking with you. You could acknowledge that this isn't the easiest conversation but you are proud of them for their resilience during this challenging time. It would also likely be helpful to highlight the many ways communities are working hard to ensure that kids are safe at school. You could also share the ways that you are helping to make sure your child is safe and ask if they have any other ideas of how you could help support them. This can help nurture their sense of autonomy and control in a situation where they may be feeling vulnerable.
Things to Keep in Mind
Remember that the "listening" part of reflective listening is key. Make sure that the focus of the conversation involves your child sharing and you listening. Do your best to not immediately launch into problem-solving mode. Also, try to avoid statements that might inadvertently suggest that your child's feelings are not acceptable, such as "there's no need for you to worry about it, you'll be fine." Do not try to convince your child to change their reactions. Some of these strategies could be useful at a different time, but limit their use during reflective listening.
When Your Attempt at Reflective Listening Has Gone Awry
It is possible that this conversation won't go as you had hoped. You might do your best with open-ended questions, acknowledgement, and validation ... yet your teen gives yes/no answers, brushes off your attempts, and makes it clear that they don't want to talk about it further. Don't force it. It's ok if your kid is not into it.
By bringing up the Oxford shooting in a safe and supportive way, you have signaled that you are open to having this conversation. Maybe they will want to talk to you about it at some point in the future, maybe they won't. Importantly, they now know that you believe it's ok for them to have thoughts and feelings about the shooting. And for some kids, that awareness is meaningful.
Other Considerations
A desire for action/activism. Your teen might wish to help out in some way. During a session this week with one of my adolescent patients, her priority was to learn about specific things she could do to help her friends. It was clear that her passion for helping others provided her with a stabilizing sense of purpose. If your child indicates a desire to help out or take action in a reasonable way, try to support this.
Age Matters. Reflective listening skills are good to use with children of all ages. However, content shared in this post was intended for parents of teens. Guidelines for if/how you should talk with younger children about the Oxford tragedy vary significantly based on your child's age/developmental level. Make sure to seek age-appropriate guidance.
Be kind to yourself. There is truly no better way to teach kids healthy coping than by doing it ourselves. Kids are not the only ones who have been impacted by the Oxford tragedy. It is essential to boost our self-care during vulnerable times. Consider taking a minute or two for diaphragmatic breathing or trying a relaxation app.
Finally, it is important to remember that at their core, kids are resilient. Most kids who have been impacted by the Oxford school shooting will be able to resume feeling safe and comfortable at school over time. If your child is having persistent coping difficulties or expresses a desire for mental health support, I would encourage you to reach out to a behavioral health provider who has expertise working with teens.
To learn more, check out resources offered by the National Child Traumatic Stress Network.
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